CLASSROOM HUMOR BY KIDS TEST ANSWERS...............

Kids have a way of explaining answers on their tests in ways that bring smiles to adults. Check some of the test questions and answers.
1. What are steroids?   A. It's what that holds the carpet still on the stairs.
2. How can you keep milk from turning sour?  A. Keep it in the cow.
3. Name the four seasons?  A. Salt, pepper,vinegar, mustard.
4. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature Death.
5. What is a fibula ?  A. A small lie.
6. What does varicose mean?  A. Nearby.
7. Give the meaning of Caesarian Section.  A. A neighborhood in Rome.
8. What does benign mean?  A. Benine is what you are after you be eight.  My favorite.

ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL....

I never know what to expect when I visit my doctor. This year it was time for my annual check up and physical. Believe it or not my appointment was right on time.Checks on weight, blood pressure, ekg, blood work and much poking and prodding I'm thinking every thing is looking good. I'm told my ekg looks ok and the results from my blood work with be back in a few days. My doctor always asks if I have had a flu shot and I always reply I had one several years ago and had the worst case of flu in my life. When have you had your eyes checked? About two years ago. He always ask this, he might be in with my eye doctor?? Next came a bomb shell I wasn't expecting. Do you know colon cancer in men your age is a leading cause of death? I'm going to send you to Dr Crabtree for a colonoscophy. There is nothing to it. Before I knew what just happened he would set up an appointment for me. I laughed and said if there's nothing to it how about taking it for me? He replied he had already had one and also his 80 year old father had one at Dr Crabtree.
Later at home I did some research on WebMD on the procedure. I wasn't fond of the camera being inserted were the sun don't shine. OK maybe it's one of those new high definitions cams?? We all have second thoughts about procedures we have never had but I look on the situation as it might save my life in the long run.
My appointment with Dr. Crabtree to learn more about the colonoscophy went well and I was impressed with his professional manner. I found out later that he did the gall bladder surgery on my sister. My date was set for Feb. 17 at 12:00pm. I was told what to take prior to my procedure on Mon. and Tues. I was given a choice between meds from the pharmacy or I was told I could get the same things at Wal Mart. At the pharmacy it cost about $50 and at Wal Mart it cost around $5. Since she assured me both had the same results I chose Wal Mart. The chemicals needed to cleanse my system consisted of two bottles of Magnesium citrate and a small box of Dulcolax. I already knew about the Dulcolax.
The worst part of the whole ordeal was taking all those laxative's. On Mon. I was to be on a liquid diet all day and after 5:00pm I had to take two dulcolax tablets. At 11:30 the cleansing began and again at 4:30pm. Man, those tablets would knock the crap out of Superman!!
Tues. morning at 5:00 am I began round two of cleansing. Take 4 dulcolax tablets with 8 ozs. of water followed by one 10 oz. bottle of the magnesium citrate and drink 3- 8 oz. glasses of a clear beverage. I drank Mountain Dew. All this had to take place in a 30 minute time frame. Again at 6:00 am I had to repeat the same sequence all expect taking more dulcolax. If you did the math, that's 76 ozs. of liquid in the span of two hours. Looks like a flood is going to happen. Twelve trips to my bathroom and a roll of toilet paper later I was as clean as a whistle. On the way to the Surgery Center I was hoping another bathroom trip wasn't needed. We arrived at the Surgery Center just before 11:00pm with all my paper work filled out and in hand. I had to fill out a few more and sign my name several times before I was called to take a trip back into the room with the nurse. She gave me a couple of plastic bags and told me to remove all my clothes and put them into the bags. That gown's split goes in the back and once you have it on get into the bed. I'll return in a few minutes. Once the fashion show was over my nurse came back with some instructions and plugged a heater hose into the front of my gown. Feels good!! She told me the doctor had called and would be late because of unexpected problems that happened at the hospital. She went and got my wife to set with me while we waited. My procedure was set for 12:00 but it was 1:00 before the doctor arrived. While I  waited I told my wife and nurse I smelled french fries. If the doctor doesn't come soon I'm going to order me a Hardee's thickburger and fries. I haven't ate anything solid for two days. My nurse did tell us I did smell french fries. An aide was having her lunch back in the rear of the room. While waiting I had to go to the bathroom and the nurse and my wife helped me up. I had to carry my IV with me and when I returned to my bed my wife informed me if I had to use the bathroom again to be more careful with my gown. Seems like I Mooned a few people.
My doctor finally arrived with an apology for his being late. I'm taken into another room and given an injection into my IV and asked to turn over no my left side. That was the last thing I remember before coming to in the recovery room. The good news there were no polyps and every thing looked OK. They told me I had a lot of gas but I had already discovered that.
Everyone at the Surgery Center was great and did their jobs very professionally. That part of the experience was gratifying. On the way home I did get my Hamburger and fries to take home. I had a few stomach cramps and gas last night but slept like a baby. I feel great this morning. I hope I haven't bored you to death.

FLASH THE NEWS HOUND

Hey, it's Flash the news hound with some news close to home. My owner's daughter's dog Winston has been missing for several weeks. Winston is a black Labrador retriever who is a very talented dog. Winston loves to play ball. No matter how many times you throw the ball for him to retrieve he wants more. He loves to ride in the eighteen wheeler when they are out on a trip. When the truck stops Winston is begging to play ball. I never saw a dog that could lie on the floor on his back and place the tennis ball between his front paws and pitch it up into the air and catch it in his mouth on it's way down.
One day Winston just disappeared from the owners home. Not a sign or trace of Winston for weeks. Adds in newspapers and trips around the country side have failed to give a clue to the where abouts of this black lab. A reward was offered for the return of Winston but as of today not a single person has come forward. The owner's family is heart broken over Winston's disappearance. It's as thought he just vanished into thin air.
Pets become part of the family. Winston gave many hours of pleasure with his antics to his beloved owners. Maybe some where he's amazing someone else with all his tricks.
Well I'm out of here, maybe next time I'll have some better news. Later.......Flash.

FLASH THE NEWS HOUND.........

Hey, it's Flash the news hound with some good news and some bad news.First the bad news. It happened to me the other day. If you are a dog don't lose your collar and dog tag while scratching your neck. While out for a walk in the neighborhood a man in a truck in a white outfit stopped the truck and called to me to come to him. Well, the dumb one answered his call and he picked me up and placed me in a cage in the back of the truck. Man, did I tell him off,BARK, BARK, ARF, ARF ( translated; I'M LEGAL, I'M LEGAL.) He took me to this place I've heard about from some of my cousins. I'm being incarcerated against my will. Man, it sure is noisy in here with all the dogs and cats yelling out. Looks like I will have to make the best of my stay. My owner will come and bail me out soon, I hope?? They say a dog is mans best friend but I say that man is dogs best friend. When a new person arrives at this site to choose a pet to adopt all the animals yell out pick me, pick me with their barks and meows.
A good thing happened while I stayed at the Franklin County Animal Shelter. A good looking female, a mixed black and tan cockier spaniel maned Suzy had the adventure of her life. She had been placed on petfinder.com by the F.C.A.S. and a lady in New Boston, Michigan started the process to adopt Suzy. Suzy had all the qualities Mrs. Lange required in a new pet. Since Suzy was in Winchester, Tennessee and Lange was in Michigan problems developed as to how to get Suzy to Michigan. The cost was to great to fly her on a commerical carrier and too far to drive. To the rescue of both Suzy and Lange came Pilot-n- Paws. Lange found a non profit group that had the solution to the problem. Several pilots have donated there aircraft and time to transport new adopted pets to their new owners. The F.C.A.S. had outfitted Suzy with a new sweater, blanket, cage and food and water for her flight to Ann Arbor, MI. A pilot from Jackson, Tn. arrived in Winchester to fly Suzy on her first leg of her trip. Mr. Earwood and Suzy had to wait several hours for the weather conditions to clear before they were in the air to Frankfort, Ky. Once they touched down in Ky. another pilot, Kathy Stanton was waiting to resume the flight to Ann Arbor where Lange had driven from her home in New Boston to pick up Suzy. Suzy likes her new digs and owner but not the snow. She is still a Southern Belle.
They finally let me go and I'm on my way home, excuse me I need to check out that fire plug. Later Flash.

NICKO RACCOON TRAVEL AGENCY................

 

This raccoon ordeal is getting way out of hand! Yesterday I trapped my second varmint. He was so cute when I went to check the trap, he was sleeping on his back with his feet up in the air. He was waiting for the release and relocate part of my program. This is what might be going on in Raccoon ville, a community located deep in the woods near our house from a raccoon's point of view?
Rocky, "did you coons hear about that guy up near the road and his travel agency. Yeah, he's got a travel agency for us!!." What does it cost? It's free and the perks are wonderful. He offers a cat food buffet in a nice cage, air conditioned, view you can't believe. After the outstanding meal you get to stay overnight in a 5 star cage, it's almost like being outside, there are many windows in the room. The next morning the man comes to pick up your cage and places you in the back of this vehicle that speeds off to a resort. They say the ride is very thrilling with the wind blowing in your face. Several miles down the road it's time to see where your vacation starts. Once at the resort you are let out and guys I hear it's paradise. The woods are huge and a lake is nearby. It's water as far as you can see!! That sure sounds inviting doesn't it? I'm thinking tonight I will slip up and take a cage and take the trip. Mother coon, " Rocky you be careful, don't get out in the road and wear your best fur coat. Send word when you arrive via the coon network. Be very careful about those hunters and coon dogs, you know what happen to your dad?" .

RAMBO RACCOON....VS.....NICKO....PART 2

That varmint continued to outsmart me. Rambo seemed to sense my every move. I kept changing my tactics on ways to trap him. I didn't have any trouble getting him into the baited trap, my problem was keeping him in. Rambo must have some of Houdini's escape methods? When I would check the trap in the mornings he had ate the bait, the door was down and locked but no Rambo!! When I expected him to come late, he would arrive early and when I thought he would come early he showed up late. GGGRRRRR!! Does he have ESP?? I wanted to trap him and relocate him to another zip code. I know many of you wanted this to happen but I gave up on this option, after all he's a varmint and is causing havoc around our house.
One night I baited the trap with some rat poison in grain form. The next morning the door was down on the trap and it was locked but no Rambo. He threw out all the rat poison on the ground and didn't eat any of it. Rambo 5----Nicko O! The next night I mixed cat food and the rat poison together, you guessed it, he ate the cat food but didn't eat any of the poison!! Rambo 6---Nicko O! Rambo must have went to Raccoon University, he must have graduated at the top of his class??.
Yeah, he's smart but does he know anything about electronics? I spent most of the day Saturday working on a new plan. During all this time messing with Rambo I have never seen him. If I could see him I might be able to get rid of that varmint??
My new plan involved a motion detection light. I mounted the device on a tree near the trap. The device was set to view the area around the trap. No light bulb was placed in the device but a drop cord is plugged into one of the light sockets and the other end was run back into my shop and a light bulb was put into the end at the shop. If something moved in front and around the device the light would come on in my shop and I would know something was near the trap, I hoped it was Rambo. The trap is about 30 feet from the front door of my shop.
Darkness was setting in and I began to prepare. A lawn chair was placed near the open door, I had a flashlight near my chair and my 410 shotgun loaded in my lap. About an hour later my light came on in the shop, my heart began to race, was Rambo outside?? Slowly with flashlight in my left hand and the shotgun in my right I stepped out the door and there was Rambo, a HUGE RACCOON!! He saw me and he began to run, I stopped and in an instance Rambo was no more!!
Sunday morning I found another raccoon in my trap, perhaps Rambo Junior. He was relocated to a new zip code.

RAMBO RACCOON.....VS NICKO

 THIS IS A RERUN OF A SERIES OF BLOGS WITH MY BATTLE AGAINST A RACCOON. MIGHT ME MY BEST EFFORT ON BLOGGING.

We have lived in our house in the woods for 24 years and I can count on one hand the number of raccoons I have seen over those years. Each year some animal always causes trouble for us in some ways. This year deer have feasted on the okra in the garden. They have eaten the leaves off almost down to the ground. We only got one small mess of okra all season.
With two water gardens in the back yard with both plants and fish, everyone said watch out!!. In the last two weeks a raccoon has been active around both gardens causing havoc. One morning my wife found that something had dug most of the dirt and gravel and a plant out of it's pot in the water. The water was very muddy and the poor fish were hiding. This happened in the smaller pond. Over near the bigger pond there was a hole in the ground where last year as I mowed I disturbed a nest of yellow jackets. Yes, I got stung! How can such a small bee inflict such pain?? No, I'm not a wimp!!A rock was placed over the hole after I got rid of those bees and dirt place over the rock. Rambo, had dug up the rock to see what was there.
Small tracks across the new sealed driveway gave a clue to what was causing our problems. All the fish were still in the ponds but how long till Rambo discovers the fish? Go get us a trap I'm told by my wife. Off to Tractor Supply to buy a trap suitable for capturing Rambo Raccoon. Man am I in luck, a trap designed for raccoons and other creatures that size is on sale and you also get a smaller bonus trap free. $ 30 and I pick up some sardines for bait, that should attract him. Man those things stink!! That evening I set the trap and bait with sardines and place it near the small pond. Once that varmint enters the trap to eat those sardines and steps on the trigger Bam, down comes the door and he's caught. Maybe?? The next morning I'm out to see if I caught that varmint. Wrong!! The trap is turned over the bait gone and no raccoon in sight. Maybe he's an invisible raccoon. There isn't anyway he could get out?? Round one, Rambo 1- NickO O.
The next night I move the trap to the other side of the pond and bait and set it. I'll get him tonight?? About 4:00 am. I'm awaken by a loud crashing metal noise outside my open bedroom window. I've got him I'm thinking and go back to sleep. After my coffee when I get up I can't wait to see that varmint in the trap. To my sup rise the trap is 15 feet from where I placed it , bait gone, door shut and no Rambo. Rambo 2--NickO O. My wife had seen the varmint late one night and tells me it's not full grown, he's about the size of our cat. Ok, I'll set the smaller trap tonight. I have run out of sardines, that varmint is the best feed raccoon around. Tonight I'll bait the trap with dry cat food. Now I'm not a rocket scientist but I can outsmart a raccoon??. I also fixed the trap so it wouldn't move, I staked it to the ground. The next morning I can't wait to get outside and see if that varmint is in my trap. The door is down, the trigger is torn loose bait gone and no Rambo. He likes dry cat food though, that sucker ate it all!! Rambo 3- NickO O. At this time I'm calling this raccoon the Raccoon from Hell!! My wife didn't like this terminology!.
I'm tired of playing this game with this smart ass raccoon. Now it's WAR!! I was going to catch and release him about 10 or 12 miles from our house but this is WAR!!! Last night I set the alarm for 2: 30 am. I have my clothes, boots and gun out in the garage so I can slip out. My choice of weapon is a 410 shotgun. I've got bigger firepower if needed!!
The night air is cold as I can see my breath as I take a seat in a lawn chair with flashlight and gun in hand. My eyes and ears are on alert but after an hour all I see is Rusty our cat. A strange noise catches my attention. It sounds like it's coming from the small pond. Once at the pond I see what's causing the noise. That varmint has pulled the cord to the water fountain in the middle of the pond to the edge and has taken the head off that causes the water to spray in an umbrella effect. The pump has pumped almost all the water out of the pond but my wife's screens are still over the plants and fish. The noise I heard was the pump sucking air instead of water. Rambo 4-- NickO O.
Does anyone know a good HIT MAN I can Hire??? This ain't no game anymore. Stay tuned!!